The More We Talk … The Less They Learn

If children learned primarily through listening, child behavior experts would go out of business.

Adults talk on and on to children (especially to toddlers), thinking they're teaching them new behaviors. But usually, what is said goes in one ear and out the other. While parents still should give instructions and explain them in simple words, toddlers learn mainly by “doing" behaviors and experiencing the results. For example, toddlers are much more likely to learn and understand why they should wear a coat on a chilly day from feeling warm after wearing one than from hearing their parents say over and over that they'll catch a cold if they don't wear a coat. This doesn't mean toddlers are always willfully not paying attention to their parents.

A child's brain usually can't grasp adult concepts. That's why it's important to teach and discipline them at their level of understanding, using simple words, brief sentences and hands-on learning.

Another reason excessive talking doesn't translate to child learning is because children don't understand adult perspectives as well as adults sometimes think they do. For instance, children have difficulty seeing that two things that don't look alike can still be similar. Adults can easily tell that a birthday cake and a loaf of bread have similarities (e.g., both are made with flour, both have been baked), but young children usually cannot. So telling a toddler he is being disciplined for a misbehavior that is "just like" a misbehavior that got him in trouble last week may confuse the toddler because he doesn't understand they are similar. All he knows for sure is that mom or dad is mad at him – again.

Another kind of adult talk that can get in the way of a child learning involves time-based concepts. For example, a dad who learns that his toddler daughter is having behavior problems at day care may try to tell her she won't do well in kindergarten if she keeps acting that way. But a toddler can barely think about what's going to happen the next day let alone something that is months or years away. Efforts to get through to a toddler using these extended time-based concepts usually go nowhere.